The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
