I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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