My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
