i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i barfeds in our rink
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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