Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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