you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
