You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
