not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
