i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
