I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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