My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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