If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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