My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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