i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
