i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
