I hate your face
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
