just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
