the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
