Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
