Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
