I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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