I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
