Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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