I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
