The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
