I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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