why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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