Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
