i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
