1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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