I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
