Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
