Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
