literally had 100 drinks last night.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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