those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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