The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
