i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
