The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need moral support for this bender
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
