I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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