Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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