she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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