If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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