Christians are straight up FREAKS
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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