The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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