How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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