My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
