Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
