I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
