i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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