(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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